I used to love watching the cartoon The Justice League as a kid, and I especially enjoyed when the Wonder Twins were on. Punching their fists together, they morphed into shapes and forms to help fight crime. It seems that they almost always did the shape of a bucket and form of water, which seems to be a curious combination for crime fighting, but whatever, perhaps they were fighting some evil genius who started fires.
Anyway, I have discovered my own Wonder Twins this week. They are Asserting for Myself and Accepting Myself. Asserting for Myself has taken the shape of saying “no,” pushing for greater communication, and setting boundaries. Accepting Myself shows itself in the form of my personal feelings about myself regardless of the situation I am in. Punch their fists together, and a powerful force is released.
This week, Accepting Myself took a vacation and forgot to let us know.
Or perhaps it was that Asserting for Myself had been a wimp with lousy excuses, and hadn’t really had a true trial of her abilities.
At any rate, Asserting for Myself showed up, and met with unexpected results. She was used to positive reactions. Anger and disagreement were new to her. That’s when Accepting Myself decided to hightail it out of there. Taking in the negative feelings, I internalized them and took them out on myself. I forgot that I am a Daughter of the King; I am loved by the Maker of the Universe; I am a Temple. I could only see the broken, injured, imperfect self. I looked at myself and thought “loser, unsuccessful, jobless, not needed.” I looked at my reactions to the situation and thought “you’re a big baby, suck it up, this shouldn’t bother you.”
Disaster ensued. Depression, self-denigration, self-injury, complete questioning of my own sanity. Accepting Myself forgot that my acceptance is not conditional. Returning to my favorite term, “Radical Acceptance,” I must re-learn to accept who I am and still allow others to be who they are. That is so much harder than I thought it would be.
Disagreements are new to me. Asserting for Myself is new, and disagreements come with adding her in. How can I express my feelings, disagree with another, and still continue on? Those I love shouldn’t feel afraid to express themselves because I might internalize their criticisms/disagreements and hurt myself.
My husband says he feels like he is “walking on emotional eggshells” around me. If Accepting Myself was stronger, would I be more emotionally secure? I don’t know.
Where are the Wonder Twins when you need them? But on the other hand, what would I do with a bucket of water anyway?
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