The Wonder Twins

I used to love watching the cartoon The Justice League as a kid, and I especially enjoyed when the Wonder Twins were on.  Punching their fists together, they morphed into shapes and forms to help fight crime.  It seems that they almost always did the shape of a bucket and form of water, which seems to be a curious combination for crime fighting, but whatever, perhaps they were fighting some evil genius who started fires.

Anyway, I have discovered my own Wonder Twins this week.  They are Asserting for Myself and Accepting Myself.  Asserting for Myself has taken the shape of saying “no,” pushing for greater communication, and setting boundaries.  Accepting Myself shows itself in the form of my personal feelings about myself regardless of the situation I am in.  Punch their fists together, and a powerful force is released.

This week, Accepting Myself took a vacation and forgot to let us know.

Or perhaps it was that Asserting for Myself had been a wimp with lousy excuses, and hadn’t really had a true trial of her abilities.

At any rate, Asserting for Myself showed up, and met with unexpected results.  She was used to positive reactions.  Anger and disagreement were new to her.  That’s when Accepting Myself decided to hightail it out of there.  Taking in the negative feelings, I internalized them and took them out on myself.  I forgot that I am a Daughter of the King; I am loved by the Maker of the Universe; I am a Temple.  I could only see the broken, injured, imperfect self.  I looked at myself and thought “loser, unsuccessful, jobless, not needed.”  I looked at my reactions to the situation and thought “you’re a big baby, suck it up, this shouldn’t bother you.”

Disaster ensued.  Depression, self-denigration, self-injury, complete questioning of my own sanity.  Accepting Myself forgot that my acceptance is not conditional.  Returning to my favorite term, “Radical Acceptance,” I must re-learn to accept who I am and still allow others to be who they are.  That is so much harder than I thought it would be.

Disagreements are new to me.  Asserting for Myself is new, and disagreements come with adding her in.  How can I express my feelings, disagree with another, and still continue on?  Those I love shouldn’t feel afraid to express themselves because I might internalize their criticisms/disagreements and hurt myself.

My husband says he feels like he is “walking on emotional eggshells” around me.  If Accepting Myself was stronger, would I be more emotionally secure?  I don’t know.

Where are the Wonder Twins when you need them?  But on the other hand, what would I do with a bucket of water anyway?

Pressed or Stressed?

I took a class at WSU this weekend, “Stress Management for the Educator.”  It stressed me out.  Let me give a few examples:  The class began with us making personal mission statements based on our likes, talents, etc.  One statement to complete was, “Best moment of my past week…”  I should have known there was trouble brewing when I answered the question with “My therapy session.”  I also learned, per the example of Covey’s Time Management Matrix, that I spend the majority of my time doing tasks that are “not urgent, not important.”  It seems to me that OCD behaviors should get their own quadrant.  (Of course that would make five categories, which is much more satisfying numerically, but what do you call them; pentrants?)  Anyway, the category could be “urgent, irritating” or perhaps “compelling, uninteresting.”

I also learned that I thoroughly lack the ability to say “No” when people ask me to do things.  I thought I had improved in that area, only to find out that it has been easy to say “no” when I use the reason that I am “dealing with a mental illness and need some time to sort things through.”  Nobody argues with that.  When you take that excuse off the table, I can’t even say no to the people requesting stuff during a role-play situation.  Sheesh.

I did excel in one area:  Cognitive Distortions.  I have plenty of them.  I think in black-or-white, I awfulize, I predict the future, I give up, I label, I overgeneralize, I use “should” statements and self-recrimination.  Unfortunately, this is an area that is unhealthy.  Are you starting to see why this class was stressful to me?  I even learned that I breathe wrong.  Thirty-eight years of breathing and no one thought to stop and say, “Michelle, you’re doing that wrong!”  You’d think I could at least get a brain stem function correct. 

I have a love/hate relationship with these types of classes.  It makes me nervous to be around strangers, but the class is more interesting and educational when we are placed in groups and forced to engage in different modalities of learning.  Most times, the group forms a quasi-family feel, and this was no different.  As we began group work, one lady dumped a bunch of candy on our table, and I couldn’t concentrate, so I just said, “Before we work together, you guys need to know that I have OCD, and I can’t concentrate until we square these tables and I categorize this candy.”  And wouldn’t you know that they were so compliant and careful the entire weekend to keep our table straight and candy lined up for me.  My own family doesn’t even accommodate me so well.

So what nuggets of wisdom can I take with me from this weekend?  How can I manage my stress better?  I think it mostly boils down to commitment.  There are a million ways to organize your life and your day.  Emergencies will always pop up (like the waterfall that occurred from my kitchen ceiling last night, but that’s another blog.)   How committed am I to make the most of my day, to live my life to the fullest?  How committed am I to accept other people as they are, to expect the best out of them?  Do I practice this in my own family, with my husband and children?  You know there’s a problem when your teenager calls you with bad news because “The Wrath of Mom” is easier to take over the phone than in person.  If I can’t keep perspective about what’s important in my own family, then there is little chance that I will handle the stresses and issues in my classroom, at the grocery store, while driving, etc.  Maybe it’s not commitment, but perspective that’s needed; or commitment with perspective and perseverance.

The apostle Paul wrote to the church in Philippi, “I focus on this one thing:  Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.  I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”  There’s the commitment and perspective I want.  Did Paul worry about the cleanliness of his home, or what his neighbors thought of him?  Did he fret over the cost of travel or food?  No, he was driven with purpose.  I have been given the exact same purpose as Paul.  My compass may need resetting more than his, but as I press on I pray that I will allow the daily stresses to be what they truly are; minor irritations, and focus on looking forward to a glorious future.

Grief expanded

My place of employment is shutting its doors in three weeks.  It is a time for re-evaluation:  of time spent, relationships built, of life experienced.  My initial reaction to the news was intense, deep grief.  I had just committed my free time to Father, promising that I would not look for ministry opportunities, but to wait to hear His voice for my calling.  Little did I know that in less than 24 hours, my free time would be so radically expanded.

But He knew.  He knew, and He allowed me to commit to this crazy waiting period without a single Heavenly protest.  So I re-dedicate my commitment to waiting on the Lord.

I have spent too many years in a flurry of ministries and activities to please other people.  This time around, I want to please my Father.  What would He have me do?  Will it have something to do with my mental illness and helping others?  Does He want me to focus more on my family and commit to a more stay-at-home position?  (I hope not.  Homeschooling is really enough home for me.)  Are there other children out there to work with?

Wise advice given to me was to feel free to grieve as I would.  Unashamed, unabashed, fully felt grief.  That to properly move on to another endeavor required me to grieve my loss, accept it, and then re-attach when my grieving was over.  Basically, to get over my boyfriend before looking for another.

I’ve not been one to cry over emotional upheavals for a long time, but since I began therapy, I find myself being the waterworks more often than not.  As we say our good-byes, I find my tears are contagious as my co-workers and boss moved to tears in reaction to my heartfelt expressions of what they have meant in my life. 

We all have people who are important in our lives.  When was the last time you expressed the joy in the relationship with that person?  Life situations can change in a moment, and I am hyper-aware right now to make sure the ones I love know how I feel.  “If today was your last day…” is such a cliché, but it’s true. Am I living loved and loving the ones with whom I live? 

First Post

I am coming "out of the closet" with this post.  I am sure that as soon as Jeff finds out about it, he will send a link to all his friends and all my anonymity will be shot all to hell, so here goes nothing.
My purpose is to be real and transparent about my journey, and to hopefully encourage others in their journey.  I have been in therapy since October, and I have learned so much about life and love and myself that it just seems selfish to keep it all to myself at this point.
Today is a good day for me.  It's Mother's Day, and I have been well-loved by my spouse and children.  My favorite Lover, my heavenly Father, has been gracious and loving to me today, showing me His tender care.  Not all days are like this for me.  I suffer many days from the rituals of OCD, I cut and burn myself to allieviate pain, I suffer from depression.  I hide in my closet on the worst of days.  I sing and dance in my closet on the best of days.  I am learning to bring my true self out of my closet, and into real life.  I am learning to share who I am with my husband and others who love me.
I think there are many others out there in pain and suffering; feeling all alone like I once felt.  I want to share with you.  I want to quit hiding behind a mask of self-sufficiency.  The love of my Father is enough for me to weather any ill-opinions generated by my transparency.  I am sick.  We live in a sick, depraved earth; filled with sin and genetic malfunctions.  I can't change the way I was made, but I can be in charge of this moment I have been given.  What will you do with this moment you have been given?

It is for freedom that I have been set free.  Free of expectations I place on myself.  Free to be who God wants me to be.  Free to take the time to be with the One who will create in me a new heart.  This fragile clay jar has a Light inside of it, and what a privilege it is to be used, pressed by troubles but not broken.  So I pray, Father, that you will turn my eyes from the troubles I see now, and fix my gaze on things that cannot be seen.  Make my vision such that I focus on what will last forever.  Amen.