When Your Abuser Blames You

It may have been an attack by a stranger, or a planned “seduction”, but the words and actions he used, either overtly or covertly, blamed you for what he did.  He made you responsible for his desires, then he excused his disgusting behavior by accusing you.

“The way you were walking—you tease!  You wanted it.”

“I couldn’t resist you.  You kept licking your lips.”

“You always smell so good.  It’s like a garden I want to bury myself into.”

“I needed love and affection.”

“My wife is distant.”

“You belong to me.”

“I can’t help myself around you.”

“You seduced me with your constant come-ons.”

And we believe those words.

We believe them because it’s easier to blame ourselves than to accept how incredibly victimized we were.  It’s easier to shame ourselves and maintain the deception of control than to place the blame and shame where it belongs, and admit how totally helpless we were.

We believe the lies because they were told to us during an extremely traumatic event, when our brains were more susceptible to suggestion.

We believe them because some people around us reinforce those beliefs, in a multitude of ways.  If your attacker is known in the community, comments such as, “But he’s such a nice guy…” insinuate that there MUST HAVE been something you did to bring out such deviant behavior.  People question your recollection of events, because you seem confused at times…*NEWSFLASH* that’s a sign of trauma.  The family members of the attacker may encourage you or others to “stay quiet” so his life won’t be disrupted.  Your abuse is minimized, your part in the abuse is maximized, and your abuser angrily maligns your character.

 

We believe those hateful words because, in some cases, we had a relationship with our abuser.  And one day, a person who seemed kind and caring turned into a monster.  Or they slid into monster-hood.  Or they showed the monster who had been lurking underneath all along.  Either way, you have both pleasant and traumatic memories.  The reconciliation of those two aspects of one person is emotionally devastating.  What is truth?  Who is trustworthy?  Was this a “good” person who just snapped, or was this a “bad” person who manipulated you to achieve their own selfish desires?  How far back does the evil go?  And as more time passes, instead of answers, questions multiply.

But let’s talk about your abuser.  Most likely, if you are like the majority of survivors, your abuser hasn’t come crawling to you on bended knee, sobbing out his remorse.  And he probably won’t.  Ever.  He may receive some type of legal justice or social ostracism, but even then he will likely protest his innocence in some form for the rest of his life.  He will claim victimhood in one way or another.  He may admit to what he did, but he will blame you or his parents or someone who abused him or something.  He will be sorry—sorry he got caught.

I’ve realized two things about abusers which give me a slight amount of comfort.  A few truths that allow me to believe in the lies he told just a tiny bit less.

First, if an abuser were to actually admit that he was completely responsible for his actions, he would have to acknowledge what a despicable and depraved act he actually committed.  That’s not an easy task, and is nigh on impossible for someone with a fragile ego who equates what you do with who you are. 

Let’s consider this for a moment; what’s the M.O. of an abuser?  He is someone who has such little belief in himself, who thinks he MUST command OVER someone else, that he is willing to use physical, mental, spiritual, psychological force over someone vulnerable to achieve a feeling of superiority.  He has not achieved actual success or superiority so he must contrive it for himself.  This type of person is not only a coward, but his whole sense of self rests on his actions instead of his state of being.  He cannot say, “I did something evil, but I am not evil.  I can admit what I did wrong, repent, accept the consequences, and still be—deep within myself—a person of value.”

What a sad way of thinking and living.

One of the men who abused me once asked me, “Have you ever seen a man so insecure?” 

The answer is no.  I haven’t.

I pity him.

I also would like to give my husband an hour alone in a room with him, with immunity for anything that might happen.  My husband’s a rock star.

Anyway, I believe this is why an abuser doesn’t admit to his crimes.  But why does he have to blame his victim?  That’s the second thing I’ve realized.

If the abuser cannot accept his culpability, then his brain must manufacture reasons for his behavior.  And our misogynistic society makes it easy to blame the woman.  Abusers don’t often say they were mentally ill—once again, their egos can’t handle the idea that there is something wrong with them.  Instead they blame the woman for some imagined seduction.  They contrive scenarios which sound ridiculous to everyone else but themselves.

And then you—the survivor—hear them.  All you want is admission of guilt.  You want people to say, “What happened to you, and what you felt…that was—and IS—real.”  But the only other witness to your pain twists and subverts it into something sick.

Eventually, people will wonder when you will return to your “old self”.  They don’t understand that he killed her.

She was crucified for his ego.  And she is gone.  This shattered wreck is what is left, and broken messes can’t put themselves back together.  Broken messes are either swept up and thrown in the garbage, or they are collected, piece by piece, and they are carefully fused together until the original shape has been reformed.  Sometimes broken messes fall apart again; the binding agent used previously having been found to be inferior.  Sometimes tiny pieces get lost.  But those who see the beauty in the brokenness continue their efforts.

Tell.  It's still worth it.

That’s what this fragile clay jar wants to say to you, the survivor.  YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU’VE DONE, AND YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY NOT WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO YOU.  You are a precious jewel.  Your pain, your tears, your inner tears which you fear to cry…they are beyond value.  You are loved.  I don’t know you and I don’t know your story, but I know your pain.  You can fight the sadness and the suffering, because you are of infinite worth.  And how do I know that?  Because you are a First Edition.  There has never been, and will never be, another you.  You hold a piece of the universe—a piece of eternity—which no one else holds.

The world needs your uniqueness.

Namaste.

#merrychristmasstarbucks

Dear Offended Christians,

Please boycott Starbucks this holiday season.  Don't continue to support Starbucks by buying their drinks and giving them the fake name of "Merry Christmas" because their holiday cups don't show enough "Christmas" spirit.  Just go get your coffee elsewhere.

BEHOLD! The ombre red cup of Satan himself,
here to ruin your Christmas spirit!

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s what the world thinks about us Christians right now:  http://www.salon.com/2015/11/07/merrychristmasstarbucks_watch_the_absurd_war_on_christmas_call_to_arms_over_red_coffee_cups/

So…why am I asking you to refrain from your peppermint mochas?

Because the over-worked baristas don’t need your “Merry Christmas” crap.  Those people who SERVE you the drink you ordered—they didn’t choose the cups, and they can’t change a thing.  They can’t complain to the management about customers harassing them.  They NEED their jobs, especially around the holidays, so they have to put up with your self-entitled hooey because your cup isn’t as pretty as you think it should be.

designs from the past four years

Because here’s the truth:  Starbucks cups NEVER SAID “MERRY CHRISTMAS” before!  If you think Starbucks is making their cups less “Christian” by removing the ornaments, snowflakes, polar bears, trees, and other “holiday” related items, then perhaps you need a refresher course on the true meaning of Christmas.

***Reminder:  Christmas is a holiday where we celebrate the birth of Jesus.  This event took place in a warm, desert environment where snowmen, reindeer, and polar bears don't exactly thrive. Might I suggest this inspirational video, The True Meaning of Christmas, from one of my all-time favorite philosophers?

So, how is toting around a red cup bearing the image of a reindeer supporting the “Christianized” version of the holidays?  Aren’t we actually supporting some version of a Nordic Christmas?  I mean, what percentage of Christians actually get snow for Christmas?  Or have money for ornaments and trees?  Or have reindeer prancing in their yards?  Seriously, WHAT DO THESE THINGS HAVE TO DO WITH JESUS? 

Do you think this cup
offends people in the tropics?
Maybe they need their year
 for a cup design.

But our "red cup" behavior would be like Paul going into a secular shop, and instead of saying, “Hey, let’s eat the bacon!"(which is what he did, by the way); he says, “These pigs offend me.  This store should not sell pigs.  I’m a card-carrying, sword-toting Roman citizen, and I know my rights!”

So let’s be rational about this.  You either accept the business practices of these secular businesses, and you enter into their domain with the intent of being light in darkness.  Or, just stay away.  Christianity doesn’t need you to make our job any harder than it already is.  We don’t need angry attitudes; turning hard-working individuals sour against our God. 

If you want your cup to say “Merry Christmas”, write it yourself.  If you can afford a Toffee Sprinkle Soy Mocha Skinny Caramel Latte or whatever it is you are buying, then you can afford to buy yourself a freaking Sharpie and decorate your own cup.  Hey, it may even be therapeutic.  Coloring for adults is all the rage right now.  You may even start a trend.  Leave Sharpies at your local Starbucks with a note inviting others to decorate their own cups any way they please.  They might just draw a palm tree on a beach, which may not be “Christmas” appropriate for you, but I assure you that a large portion of the world will find it looks just like THEIR Christmas.

Please, let’s spend this season showing people WHY we celebrate Christmas.  Why don’t we remember, when we order our Gingerbread Latte, that Jesus DIED FOR the person whipping our milk to the proper temperature?  That Jesus would want us to treat that HUMAN with compassion?  

Seriously, it's NEVER a good idea to mess with people
who are serving you things you plan to ingest.

During a busy holiday season, when everyone is cranky and the lines are long, HOW YOU TREAT YOUR BARISTA SAYS A LOT ABOUT YOUR FAITH WALK.  In God’s eyes, we are all just as special, just as loved, and just as important.  Look in their eyes.  Smile.  Say “Please” and “Thank You”.  Tell them you appreciate their work.  Say “Merry Christmas” if you want to, but if they are Jewish or Atheist or something else, still wish them a pleasant time with family and friends.  I mean, shouldn’t we STILL WANT THAT for them? Let's not shove our words into their faces without being willing to walk in relationship with them.  Let's not try to hurt or anger or trick people whose lives are closed books to us, who may be having a very rough day and just need a touch of kindness.

Let’s make this season a “Be Nice to your Barista” Christmas and find amazing ways to bless those who serve us with a smile every day. Let's remember that the people behind the counter are the ones God calls us to love and they are NOT the ones He calls us to demean, degrade, or dismiss.  They are His children, and if they don't know Him, He wants us to show them what He's really like.  So, would God or Jesus walk into a Starbucks and demand the barista write "Merry Christmas" on his cup?  I know what my God would do.

And to my favorite baristas...thank you for your smiles, your willingness to make my favorite specialty drink which takes extra time (even though YOU got me hooked on it in the first place!), for always making me feel welcome.  YOU BRIGHTEN MY DAY.

Hope is the thing with feathers...

Our family has had some very discouraging experiences lately.  And at times things felt hopeless...  It was easy to react to circumstances around us and become depressed.  But that is not the natural state of a God-follower, and the Lover of our souls thrills to show us a better way.  For me, He delights in surprising me with the gift of a feather.  Yesterday, He partnered with Chris (and a few birds) to remind us of some important truths.

Allow me to share our little story with you:

Cooper's Hawk

Chris and I were looking out the kitchen window yesterday morning, and saw a bird stalking something.  

Perspective from that window is difficult at times, because the backyard is large, and it took a moment to realize it was a Cooper’s hawk; we hadn't recognized the massive size of the bird until we began comparing it to objects near it--it was at least a foot tall when standing.  

We couldn't see what it was hunting, but it was intent, swooping from branch to branch, standing still, listening.  Eventually, we went on about our business, ignoring the bird.  After all, we were overwhelmed with life.

Our Hope Feather

Later in the day, Chris felt compelled to walk into the backyard; he felt that there was a feather waiting for me.  He walked blindly to where the hawk had been, as he felt directed, and there was ONE feather sitting there.  As he picked it up, he felt that it signified hope.

He relayed his experience as he gave me the feather. He was certain it was from the hawk we had seen.  

I Googled hawk feathers, and it looked similar, but not quite.  I figured there had to be some relationship between this feather and the hawk, so I continued to read and learn about the Cooper's Hawk.  I learned that it preys on smaller birds…such as this bird...

 

Red-bellied Woodpecker (don't ask me why it's red-bellied, when its head is redder than its belly)

 ...whose tail feathers look just like our hope feather!

Red-bellied Woodpecker feathers

And then I began worrying.  Did the hawk totally maul this bird?  So I went into the backyard; looked around.  There were NO OTHER feathers.  I had seen pictures on the internet of what those hawks did to birds--utter carnage!  There was NO WAY the woodpecker had been killed, at least not here in our yard.

Back inside, I researched the woodpeckers.  They tend to forage for bugs in dead and formerly healthy trees, and are pivotal in halting the Emerald Ash Borer, removing up to 85% of the larvae from an infected tree.  So basically, they remove evil and allow health to flourish.

A predator was after it…but it appears the only damage it did was to remove a single tail feather.

 

A feather, fully plucked from a bird, can be re-grown in two weeks.

So this bird, his life threatened, thinking perhaps that this was the end…he simply lost a tail feather.  That’s how ineffective his enemy was.

I relayed this to Chris.  His “hope” feather was indeed true.  It was telling us that the enemy may hunt us, and we may feel as if our life is all but lost…but at that desperate moment, all we might lose is a tail feather…something easily re-grown.  We cannot be defeated.

We forget that our experiences, which can be pleasant or painful, are not what defines our state of being.  We are called to be MORE THAN the sum of our experiences; instead of simply reacting to life, we are to move in our lives and the lives of others as a FORCE for good.  We are to be little red-bellied woodpeckers, gently removing the bad so healthy growth can occur...and when we are attacked, we can relax in the unseen forces around us, protecting us, lifting us, carrying us to safety.

Yes, we may lose a tail feather every now and then.  We may even feel like a plucked Thanksgiving turkey, but the enemy is ineffective and will ultimately lose.  When we feel like life is overwhelming us, as if wave after wave is crashing into us...as if we are facing a tsunami...we have HOPE.  Something so strong, so firm, so secure, that no storm can destroy it!

Michelle Cherry-Picks Leviticus in a Culturally Inappropriate Way (which is funner) *with pictures!

After my recent blogs, certain anomalies have come to my attention…

Yes, I’m going to chat about homosexuality again, in the context of the Bible and Christianity.

Before I delve into OT law, I give you...JEWVERINE!

I watch prominent Christian groups pull the same verses from the Bible over and over to prove a point…I even used to do the exact same thing; but it’s begun to get under my skin. These are the verses:

Leviticus 18:22 “Do not practice homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman.  It is a detestable sin.”  Hmm, “detestable”…yep, sure sounds like God REALLY hates that.

Leviticus 20:13 “If a man practices homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act.  They must both be put to death, for they are guilty of a capital offense.” OH YEAH.  “Put to death”…must be a REALLY BIG SIN.

Seems super-obvious right?  …As long as you subscribe to the cherry-picked version of Leviticus where you ignore all the other verses.  Like these:

Leviticus 11, which tells you not to eat animals such as pigs, rabbits, snake, shrimp, lobsters,etc.  Hey, you can’t even TOUCH a dead one.  So…my favorite childhood stuffed animal—a cat made from REAL (dead) RABBIT FUR!—“defiled” me.  And what about all those former football players who used a genuine “pigskin”?  DEFILED!  These animals are called “detestable”—the same adjective used for homosexuality.  And btw, NO MORE BACON FOR YOU!!!

Leviticus 17:10  “And if any native Israelite or foreigner living among you eats or drinks blood in any form, I will turn against that person and cut him off from the community of your people,”  Ever had a steak or hamburger rare or medium-rare?  Whoops.  I guess it’s off to the desert for you. <kisses goodbye>  Don't forget to stay hydrated.

Leviticus 18:19,26 “Do not have sexual relations with a woman during her period of menstrual impurity….You must not commit any of these detestable sins.”  Not even a teeny-weeny little bit.  And notice this is grouped in the SAME CATEGORY AS HOMOSEXUALITY.  Punishment:  Banishment.  FOR LIFE.  Yea, I went there.  It’s right there with homosexuality, men.  So stop yelling “Abomination” okay?  Don’t make us pry into your sexual history to see if we need to ostracize you too.

Leviticus 19:16,17 “Do not spread slanderous gossip among your people.  Do not stand idly by while your neighbor’s life is threatened.  I am the Lord.  Do not nurse hatred in your heart for any of your relatives.”  This verse is literally SANDWICHED BETWEEN THE TWO VERSES ON HOMOSEXUALITY.  Why don’t we treat these sins as seriously?  Why not start a campaign against slander and gossip and hatred?  Now THAT would improve the world!

Chris's new look.  He rocks it like a BOSS!

Leviticus 19:27,28 "Do not trim off the hair on your temples or trim your beards.  Do not cut your bodies for the dead, and do not mark your skin with tattoos.  I am the Lord.”  So, it’s okay to trim beards now; to cut your hair also—but tattoos are still detestable?  Do I have that correct?  God puts them both in the same breath, but we assign our own judgmental values on their holiness.  Is anyone other than me seeing the RAMPANT HYPOCRISY?  Can someone tell me WHEN did GOD split these two instructions apart and assign one to be void and the other to be valid?

Leviticus 20:9 “Anyone who dishonors father or mother must be put to death.  Such a person is guilty of a capital offense.”  OUCH.  Seems like there should be a bunch of dead kids out there.  Same paragraph as an anti-homosexual verse, so, you know, let’s keep all these laws, eh?

Perhaps you disregard the OT verses, and use the NT verses as your argument.  Verses such as these:

1 Corinthians 6:9,10 “Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God?  Don’t fool yourselves.  Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.”  TAKE NOTE:  Homosexuality IS NOT singled out as being worse than anything else on this list.

The church as an institution has a corner on THIS disease.

1 Timothy 1:10,11 “The law is for people who are sexually immoral, or who practice homosexuality, or are slave traders, liars, promise breakers, or who do anything else that contradicts the wholesome teaching that comes from the glorious Good News entrusted to me by our blessed God.”

Yes, the Bible has words to say against the practice of homosexuality, JUST LIKE PEOPLE WHO DO THE FOLLOWING:  (note; BEING a homosexual is never stated as a sin.  NEVER.  And p.s. There are NO recorded words from Jesus about homosexuality either.)

·        Take other Christians to court

·         Cheat

·         Are involved in ANY sexual sin (like porn, masturbation, lustful thoughts, watching or reading sexually explicit material, premarital crossing boundaries, extramarital boundary crossing, or simply having sexual relations with your spouse with a selfish heart)

·         Steal

·         Are greedy

·         Drink too much alcohol

·         Are abusive, either physically or verbally

·         Cheat people

·         Lie

·         Break promises

·         Do anything un-biblical

Who can look at that list and call themselves sinless?  Ever looked at another kid’s paper to see what answer they put down for number ten?  Then you are GUILTY.  Ever looked at a girl and wondered what she looked like naked?  GUILTY.  Ever kind-of stretched the truth on your charitable giving on your taxes?  GUILTY.  Were you a party binge drinker in college?  GUILTY.  Ever told your child that you would do something for them, and forgot?  GUILTY.  Got frustrated at that sales clerk and spoke harshly to her?  GUILTY.  Honestly, I’m fairly certain I do at least one of these things daily.  I mean, who can manage a day without doing ONE THING “that contradicts the wholesome teaching…”?

Sure, we may look at the previous examples and say, “Well, in comparison, those things are minor infractions.”  I beg to differ.  Are your actions contrary to the Holy nature of our God?  We are not called to compare ourselves to other people; we are called to strive to be like the Holiest of Holy!

I may be repeating myself, but I don’t think people get this:  SIN IS SIN.  YOUR SIN ISN’T ANY BETTER THAN ANYBODY ELSE’S SIN.

I have been given a massive blessing by having some amazing and wonderful people in my life, who also happen to be homosexual.  When I am with them, I don’t sit around and think about that aspect of their life every single moment I am with them.  If I did, then there would be something wrong with me and my thinking.  I don’t want others who have a relationship with me to constantly think about the nature of my sexual life while I am with them, either.  That’s sick.  If I can’t stop thinking about sex, then it’s my thought life that needs an overhaul, no matter what is going on in that other person’s life.

Perhaps if we began focusing on our own sins instead of pointing out the sins of others(or behaving as if THEY are more sinful than we are), the world would see Christ in us a little better.  After all, I can only change me.  And other people won’t see the love of God in you, or learn about His grace through Jesus if you don’t show it through your actions.  If you show hate and anger, they will learn that your god is a vindictive and evil god.  If you show love and compassion, then they will be given the opportunity to see the true God through you.

I'm learning.  Thanks to all those amazingly patient people out there.

Michelle plays connect the dots between Misogyny and Homophobia; Part Four: Namaste

PART FOUR:

Namaste

You can read the previous posts by clicking here:
Part One: Male Space
Part Two: Gaydar
Part Three: Tables Turned

Unfortunately, our social problems are much greater than just misogyny and homophobia.

It’s a mindset in all of humanity.  In men and women.  It’s a refusal to choose empathy.  It’s a stubborn, deep-within-myself narcissistic need to be RIGHT—and therefore YOU ARE WRONG.  It’s an insistence that MY WAY is the correct way, and YOU NEED TO SEE IT MY WAY.  And I DON’T NEED TO LOOK AT IT FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE BECAUSE I’VE ALREADY GOT IT FIGURED OUT.

All the shouting, the finger-pointing, the hatred.  It’s tearing us apart. 

Whatever happened to “They know we are Christians by our love”?  Who would say that about us now? 

In my pastor’s sermon a few Sundays ago, he mentioned that a recent poll of young adults, when asked what “Christians” are, they responded with the word “self-righteous”.  And I’d say that is spot-on, when discussing what the vast majority of the church looks like today.  I grow weary of the whiny facebook posts of people complaining they are being persecuted and how we need to stand up for our rights as American Christians, before we lose them all.  (P.S.  “American Christian” is an oxymoron.  Ever heard this?  “There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female.  For you are all one in Christ Jesus.”  We are to put our patriotism aside for a greater cause.  Yes, I am exceedingly glad to have been born in America.  But it comes secondary to my Christianity.  By far.  I don’t say I am a Female Christian or a White Christian, or identify my Christianity in any other way.  My spiritual identity is in CHRIST, and Christ alone.)

It’s funny, because I don’t recall a single sermon being preached by Jesus or any of the apostles where getting persecuted was a worry.  I recall lots of joy about persecution.  And lots of stuff about loving pagans.  But I don’t recall ANYTHING about where we are supposed to preach “YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!”  You know, “Turn or Burn” or "You Murdered Your Baby!"

As a matter of fact, I’m fairly certain that the fear of hell is NOT how Jesus wants us to invite people to heaven.

He wants us to love people so profoundly that they desire to be WITH us.  That they feel the love dripping off of us like sweet honey—and they want even just a lick of it, it tastes so good.
 

But we are leaving bitter fecal droppings for the world. 

I recall sermons at my former church against the abomination that is the homosexual community.  The groups that were gathered to picket or to “walk” against certain “homosexual agendas”.  Or, for that matter, the picketing against the abortion clinics.  Or the leaflets left on our windshields during church, letting us know all the respectable Republican candidates we should vote for in the upcoming election, because it was the “moral” thing to do to save us from the pagan Democrats.  It almost seemed like we piled so many things we were AGAINST, that we didn’t have the time or the energy to be FOR a single thing.  We were against gay marriage, abortion, divorce, the liberal agenda, taking prayer out of schools, democrats (I was a closet democrat—I got tired of people saying, “How can you possibly be a DEMOCRAT and a CHRISTIAN?”  The answer is simply, “Go read the actual definitions of the parties.  The definition of Democrat is not actually “Gay baby killer who watches porn while on public assistance.”)

I'm scared to ask if this is satire or not...

It is tiring, quite frankly, to muster up enough righteous indignation all the time.

When I began to think about it, really think about it, I realized all this righteous indignation IS an attitude found in the bible.  It’s what the Pharisees looked like.  And that’s THE ONLY TIME WHEN JESUS GOT ANGRY AND SPOKE HARSHLY TO OTHER PEOPLE.  That’s right, Jesus never spoke hateful words to anyone except those conservative religious people who were so certain that they were right. 

That should give us all pause.

I know it makes me think, and it makes me question myself every time I go to judge another person.  It makes me very, very glad that it’s not my job to judge them.  Not my job at all.  I am called to do two things, and two things only:              

I must love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind, AND
I must love my neighbor as myself.

Our job is to see them as carriers of God's spirit, first and foremost.  Would we yell spiteful words at Jesus if He was standing right before us?  But every human is a unique creation of God, designed to carry a specific quality of Him into the world, something NO OTHER HUMAN could do.  We ALL carry within us a certain "je ne sais quoi".

So before I give some twisted, rationalized version of what “loving” a person truly is, I must back up and place myself in their shoes (it’s called empathy), and make sure that if I was in such a situation, I would actually be loved by that action.  It’s taking down the barriers, and not self righteously saying, “Well, I would NEVER  be in that situation—I would NEVER do THAT!”  Perhaps.  But, as Jesus said, “If you have even harbored  hate in your heart, you have committed murder.  And if you have lusted, you have committed adultery.”  Those are not empty words.  How many people have you killed?  I’m guilty.

I have learned every human has a back story.  Even those who abuse others; those people harbor unresolved pain in their lives.  And if I had experienced their life up to that point, I may have committed that sin too.  The truth is, no one knows.  I can be thankful for the past I have had which prohibits me from desiring certain behaviors, but I can't limit my thinking to believe that ANYTHING SINFUL is beyond my capabilities, given the "right" (or wrong) past and present circumstances and stressors.

And God created EVERY. HUMAN.  For the same reason.  Because He was inspired, and loved the idea which turned into that unique soul.

Forgive the profanity, but many times I believe this is true for Christians.  We WANT TO BELIEVE that God loves us more because of our piety.  But it's not true.  The "prodigal son" parable blows that misconception totally out of the water.

I admit it, I've been the jerk.

Jesus and the early church members willingly gave up everything, even their lives, for their faith.  They never yelled words of hate against other people while they were suffering, either.  It’s quite a contrast. They lost their jobs, and they rejoiced.  They didn’t shout about their rights being revoked.  Oh, for the joy of being able to suffer for the cause of Christ!  I would much rather lose my “rights”, and do it in a way that causes people to wonder what wonderful peace is within my heart than to keep my “rights” or even fight for them and lose the true battle of showing people how to find Jesus.

Have we forgotten what the true battle is? 

                For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Nothing in this world matters but the souls of God’s precious children.  And He is not exclusionary.  He created each human for a reason; each human is loved and precious and holds a piece of eternity within themselves. 

Namaste, to each and every one of you.

Michelle plays connect the dots between Misogyny and Homophobia; Part Three: Tables Turned

PART THREE:

Tables Turned

Chris and I grew up in a small, homogenous town.

Chris first experienced homosexuals when he went off to college, at Ohio State University.  And it was a culture shock.  Columbus was on the edge of the battle for gay rights; extremely progressive for the ‘80’s.  Homosexuals attended OSU simply to be a part of the gay rights movement, and some were bitter and angry about the way they had been ostracized from society.  The fight was on campus in a big way, with flamboyance and aggressiveness.  Chris experienced, for the first time in his life, sexual aggression.  Men would eye him, attempt to grope him, catcall him as he went from class to class.

1985 Gay Pride parade in Columbus, one of the first few in the nation.  The movement began in this area as a backlash against those who were tormenting and abusing homosexuals.

These initial experiences shaped his perception of what the gay community looked like.  They were hyper-sexual and predatory, and created a huge sense of dread within him.  In order to prevent being sexually harassed, he began avoiding the people who had the appearance that these men on campus displayed. 

When he finally shared this with me, watching his body language as he mimicked the men ogling him, my first reaction was not one I am proud of.  I was glad. I said, “HEY, now you know what it’s like to be a woman!”  And I felt vindicated. 

I was glad that he, as a white male, had to experience sexual harassment.  A part of my brain was gleeful that this MAN had to deal with something that is a part of my everyday FEMALE existence. I mean, I go through these things ALL THE TIME.  And men belittle these experiences ALL THE TIME.  They act like they shouldn’t be such a big deal, but they don’t know because they’ve never experienced the icky, shameful feeling of being on the receiving end of unwanted sexual advances.

Either way, nobody should be happy that another person was taken advantage of, sexually, emotionally, physically, or spiritually.  Especially, you know, when that person is your spouse.  But my husband is gracious, and for that I am grateful.

But then so many things became clear.  Chris began to become hyper-vigilant around people who appeared to be homosexuals because of these isolated events.  Because he’d been traumatized, perhaps without realizing it—men do react to these things differently than women, and his visceral reaction was a desire to be violent when he’d been sexually harassed.

What those men did on that campus was wrong, but what they did is not representative of homosexuals as a whole.  Some men are sexually aggressive, and it is wrong and abusive and traumatic.  (Some women are also sexually aggressive, but statistically speaking, the percentage is significantly less.)  And suddenly, Chris and I had a common experience.  We both knew EXACTLY what it felt like to have a sexually aggressive male come after you.  We made a connection.

But if those aggressive men are also homosexuals, these experiences may also turn heterosexual men into homophobes through the trauma of interacting with them.

But heterosexual men, unlike women, are not used to living life as a victim, so any victimization is going to cause them a greater trauma than us. Most women I know live life in a hyper-vigilant state.  We look out for ourselves and other women when going places after dark, or when a man seems out of place at a female gathering.  Victimization is “normal” for us.  But men, in general, go from place to place without fear.  I have had men tell me not to walk in the parks alone, not to go to certain public avenues alone…as they do the same.  When I question them about the dichotomy, their response is that they can defend themselves, but I could be overcome.  How senseless.  Against a gun or knife?  Against a drug slipped into your drink?  Against multiple attackers? 

Men casually touch women A LOT.  Our shoulders, arms, waists...*newsflash* THIS CREEPS US OUT.  Remember, 1/3 of us have already been sexually abused.  We DON'T TRUST YOU.

Men feel safe because, as I stated in part one, they “own” the space around them.

But my husband suddenly understood the feeling of not “owning” his space.  His experiences at OSU did at first create within him some stereotypes and homophobia (as discussed in part 2), which were pretty much overcome with the relationships he has with his brothers.  But the revelation of his past experiences opened my eyes to what I had previously believed was bigotry and intolerance.  To be able to understand the effects of misogyny in the life of a woman…he needed to learn the root cause of his homophobia.

Random photo of me with Mr. Wonderful.  I love him so much.

And he GOT IT!  It was an “aha” moment that shocked him.  For him to realize that women experience FREQUENTLY what he only experienced a few times created a huge amount of compassion and empathy for all women.  The amount of tension we experience in public places.  And that, to fix the problem, the entire mindset of society needs to be changed.  He realized that MEN were often the problem.   Sure, we can teach women to use safety measures.  But that won’t change the underlying issue.  Ever.  

So what is the underlying issue?  My three-part series inexplicably grew...

Michelle Plays Connect the Dots Between Misogyny and Homopobia; Part Two: Gaydar

*disclaimer:  I say some negative things about my husband in here…I want to say up front that he is an incredible man; he may have had some not-so-proud moments at times(hey, who doesn’t?), but he has the humility to admit it and the bravery to look at himself and change.  Which makes me amazed at his strength and so proud to be called his wife!

You can read Part One here.

Um, no.

PART TWO:  

There is no such thing as “gay-dar”.

I know this sounds like a complete departure from my previous post, but stick with me. 

Conservative Christians have the absolute worst stereotypes of the homosexual community EVER.  

Which is so hypocritical, because the only reason that community exists is because WE KICKED THEM OUT of ours.  WE ostracized them.  And God created humans to live in community, so they found each other.  And communities create their own subcultures, which turn into stereotypes.  So homosexuals may tend to have similarities because they live in similar communities.  Just like upper-class communities will have a vernacular quite different from those living in poverty, or the Hispanic community will have traditions unique to their world.  So, yes, you may notice something “outside your comfort zone” about the homosexual culture but that doesn’t mean you are imbued with a superpower called “gay-dar” anymore than I have “German Baptist Radar” whenever I see a woman wearing a cap and a calico dress.

Nope, they don't look different from me.  Not at all.

Some Christians have rationalized that homosexuals are in open rebellion to God, so they are required to kick them out of the community until they repent.  But anyone who says gays(in general) are in open rebellion has probably never experienced the fear many go through when telling loved ones as they “come out”.  A rebellious person would not go through so much anguish, would not hide their feelings, would not show so much LOVE for those people in their lives that they deny what they are experiencing within themselves in order to please others.

I am not saying here that homosexuality is or isn’t a sin.  I’m leaving that out of the debate totally, because that’s not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about empathy.  I want to talk about love, and what a community which professes to be the embodiment of Jesus should look like.

Not the best writing, but good thinking.

Recently, I read a book called The Cross in the Closet about a man who pretended to be gay for a year, to break through all his Christian stereotypes.  I was talking about it to Chris, and somewhere in our discussion, he asked if this man adopted the entire “gay persona”.  I asked what he meant, and he said, “You know, the whole lisp and limp hand thing.”  And he acted it out in a way that, to me, appeared to be mocking.

I got offended.  We know enough gay people to know that’s not the norm, and I said as much…but he countered by telling me that he had plenty of gay patients, and they “all” acted like that.  To which I responded…”Yeah, the ones you KNOW were gay, because they made it obvious.  But not everyone who has a lisp is gay.  Plenty of heterosexual people have speech impediments, and plenty of gay people don’t.” 

It really doesn’t help that he has a half-brother who has a slight lisp and who is a hair-dresser.  I mean, really.  Stereotype to the max.  Plus, he dresses like he owns the room, has impeccable taste in everything, AND he drinks cosmos… I practically snorted my sandwich through my nose at our last family get together as Chris was escorted into the kitchen by his two gay brothers, who were both like, “What?  You’ve never had a COSMO?”  I wanted to respond with, “Well, he’s not GAY!”

Straight men; drinking a cosmo won't make you gay.  I promise.

So, yeah, I have my own stereotypes too.

But it seems like so many heterosexual men think they have “gay-dar”; that they can spot a homosexual man from a mile away—this is a super power bestowed upon them.  I am constantly baffled that it never occurs to them that their “gay-dar” is only going off because #1) The gay man WANTS to be recognized as such OR #2) Their “gay-dar” is incorrect.  

I recently read an article where a waiter, who is most definitely heterosexual, was assumed to be gay by some patrons because of his “gay” qualities.  And he just went along with it because he didn’t want to embarrass the patrons by correcting them.   Why is it so difficult to understand that there is a wide range of physical qualities in heterosexual men?  Or, for that matter, in homosexual men? 

I love this Tumblr blog, http://thingsmystraightboyfriendsays.tumblr.com because it shows how we stereotype gay men.  And how we limit heterosexual men.  Some men are so homophobic that they don’t dare behave in any ways that might be even slightly construed as “gay”.   Why can’t a man have an opinion on style, or food, or room design without being labeled as gay?

And think about it, we mock and we fight against the “gay agenda”…but why is this people group fighting for their rights anyway?  Why do they have their own unique characteristics?  Oh yeah, it’s because WE REFUSED TO ASSOCIATE WITH THEM. 

We have homosexuals in our family.  I love them.  I don’t need a supernatural push, because their sexual orientation has nothing to do with their person-hood. My brother-in-law, who came into my life just a few years ago, is a perfect example. He’s full of love…because he loves Jesus.  He’s a much better Christian than many I run across.  And he has experienced the worst of the worst.  He has said that if he could choose to be a different way, he would, because the path he is on is not an easy path.  He has experienced hate and discrimination, and he still chooses to compassionately love others: 

I have most certainly tried to pray the gay away. I have prayed, fasted, denied myself, I could go on and on. I am gay like my eyes are blue. I had no choice in this. What God has given me in my pursuit of righteousness is patience....love....empathy, qualities that I wouldn't trade for the world. If someone comes to know the Lord through His love and kindness shown through my lispy voice and soft ways then my existence has not been in vain.  

(yes, he read this blog and my comments about his lisp, and he couldn't help but add a bit of humor in there for me.)

One time, we were driving in the car together, and he said one of the most impactful things anyone has ever said to me.  He told me that both I and his birth mother (my mother-in-law) have shown HIM the love of Jesus more than any other person he’s known.  I would have said that he will never know how precious that moment was to me, but when he reads this, I suppose he will (Hi Ron!  I love you!).  I wasn’t even sure what I’d done.  I just treated him like everyone else around me (as he put it…I validated his love for Christ, not his homosexuality).  It made me mad at all the other people.  He is so loveable.

But maybe that’s the point.  He was used to being treated as less-than.  I can identify with that.  And I don’t want anybody, ever, to feel like that.  No Child of the King should ever feel like that, and *newsflash* WE ARE ALL CHILDREN OF THE KING.  Yeah, every homeless bum you see; every person you FEEL superior to…nope.  They are ROYALTY, and deserve to be treated as such.  We are all image-bearers.

learning the word "Namaste" changed my life.

I still treasure my “Namaste” rock. 

I love the meaning.  I think of it often, especially when I’m walking the streets where I encounter strangers.  I enjoy meeting eyes and smiling, and thinking “The image of God within me recognizes and honors the image of God within you.” 

That idea is not exclusive.  We can’t pick and choose which human gets to be like God.  It’s not like, “Hey, I like you and how you think, so I will honor you.”  That’s not true honor.  When you truly disagree, yet still respect that person and desire unity…that’s honor.  When you can’t find unity within the doors of the church, if you hate each other that much, what chance does the unbelieving community around you have?

I know that if I was gay, those signs would TOTALLY make me want to know more about Jesus and his loving ways...yeah, they would COMPLETELY make me want to change.  I would be charging into church the next Sunday for SURE!  But hey, look how FRIENDLY those people look with their smiling faces!  At least GOD LOVES THEM in all their self-righteous glory.

I was very disappointed with my husband when Ron entered our family, because he wasn’t as accepting as I was.  Chris was trying, I could see that.  But there was something holding him back.  It was only this past week where I finally learned why.

Stay tuned to hear PART THREE.

Michelle plays connect the dots between Misogyny and Homophobia; Part One: Male Space

Hold on, it’s going to be a roller coaster ride.

I want to share with you some thoughts and perspectives that are very dear to me; things I have learned over the past year, which culminated in an epiphany today.  I have a VERY DEFINITIVE POINT I want to convey, but in order to get there without losing all of you, I feel I need to explain a few OTHER things first.  Therefore; this one point will be brought to you in multiple posts, so as to attempt to refrain from being overwhelming to all of us.  But mostly me.

So, let’s buckle up!

PART ONE:
 Public space is NOT public space; it is male space.

I can’t recall where or when I first heard this idea, but it totally clicked with me—basically, one of the reasons men struggle with understanding how women feel in public is because MEN OWN PUBLIC AREAS, but they BELIEVE public areas are owned by everyone.

Did you laugh?  Even just a little bit?  What does this say about your subconscious beliefs?

Allow me to explain.  When a man goes to his job, a store, the movies, a park, etc., he (in general) does not experience other people cat-calling him when he walks.  He doesn’t experience jokes whose sexual innuendoes are against his gender.  He doesn’t get groped in a crowded elevator.  People don’t “undress” him with their eyes or make comments about his weight or attractiveness.  People don’t casually touch his waist when walking past him, or tell him to smile (you know, because those frowny lines will put WRINKLES on your pretty little face) when he may just be thinking deeply. 

Women, on the other hand, experience these things frequently, and when they address the issue, the men often make the excuse that they were complimenting the woman, and she should feel flattered.

To further identify public space as male space, you can notice that if a woman is being treated in a sexual way, and a man who is her boyfriend/husband/etc. joins her, the unwanted man DOES NOT apologize to the woman, he apologizes to the MAN, because the woman, after all, BELONGS TO HIM, and he realized that he was infringing on the property of another man.

This notion of male space became more mainstream with the backlash from the Isla Vista Murders in 2014, prompting the twitter handle #YesAllWomen.  For example; 

#yesallwomen because "I have a boyfriend" is more likely to get a guy to back off than "no", because they respect other men more than women -- ZAmmi (@ZAmmi) May 26, 2014

✔@aimeemann

The cops who asked me "Well, what were you wearing?" when I reported an attack and attempted rape. #YesAllWomen

What? No, I have plenty of space, dude.  Thanks for checking tho.

Another popular site garnering attention is the Tumblr blog “Men Taking up Too Much Space on the Subway” where you can view photo after of photo of men spreading their bodies all over compact women on subways, trains, airplanes, and buses.  This article discussing the Tumblr page includes a particularly incisive quote:  

"I think men just feel entitled and don't notice. They are oblivious,'' said Asya Kamsky, a San Francisco software executive who flies about 200,000 miles a year. Ms. Kamsky said she defends her space against encroaching elbows and legs. "I don't have a problem kicking if I need to,'' she said. 

My own personal experience testifies to the truth of male space, AND to the fact that this is so deeply ingrained in our culture that neither men nor women even notice.  I had only begun to develop sexually when this became a part of my regular routine.

I was in the 7^th grade, and there was a group of boys who thought it was funny to congregate in the halls between classes, so that it became crowded and I had to squeeze through to get to my locker or my next class.  As I moved through their “gauntlet”, I would invariably get my butt pinched or my chest groped.  It wasn’t just me; many of the girls suffered through this.  There never seemed to be a way to use my textbooks and folders to safely cover all the parts they could grab.  And I felt immense shame.  I used every method in the book to keep the tears at bay.  I would not give them my tears too.

But those boys, they were totally ignorant that what they were doing was traumatic.  Looking back, I know their faces were not cruel.  They were “boys being boys” in a society where public space is MAN space, and they were testing their fledgling man-wings.

Fortunately, that kind of behavior was only a daily occurrence for one school year.  But it still affects me.  I don’t like crowded hallways, elevators, rooms.  I won’t go to concerts.  I sit and stand against walls or in corners where I can observe the rest of the room and no one can come up behind me.  It’s a protective mechanism I subconsciously developed after years of men thinking it was “fun” to startle me, grab me from behind, etc. whether or not they were being sexual or not.  They still do it.  They think it’s funny to see me jump.  It’s not funny.  At all.  Because what men don’t realize is that “startle reflex” that is SO HIGH in me and other women…well, it’s high because MEN have sexually harassed us since we were too young to even understand that we were being traumatized.

Want to argue that we don't live in a "Rape Culture"? This is an ad for what?...looks like gang rape to me.  Oh wait, it's for upscale clothing.  Of course...makes total sense.  I know I totally want to wear that now!  Because nothing says "you need this outfit" like being the sex toy for four men.  I mean, that's every woman's fantasy, right?  RIGHT?  I mean, those guys are totally HOT, so it's OKAY, right?  I'm sure she probably wants it.  It's cool.  Just leave this totally safe magazine around for your children to learn about "normal" culture.  I'm sure they won't get any wrong ideas.

Even men who are attempting to push for the rights of women—they still use the concept of male space when they speak about rape culture.  You hear men say things like, “Imagine if that woman was YOUR wife, YOUR sister, YOUR daughter who was harassed, assaulted, raped.  How would YOU feel?”  Sure, the intentions are good as the man is attempting to personalize the situation…but in making a man personalize the situation to the violence occurring to someone that BELONGS to him, it emotionally incites him to want vengeance against the person who damaged his property instead of thinking compassionately and empathetically about what it might feel like to BE the victim.

Why do we not ask the men to imagine what THEY would feel like?  Perhaps because their general response is, “Hey, baby, PLEASE harass me, grope me, do whatever you want to me!”  Because men (and yes, I am generalizing A LOT, so give me a touch of grace here) perceive attention from a woman as a confidence builder, not a threat.  Men have such a difficult time imagining the FEAR they create in us, when they perceive their actions to be complimentary.

Hmm...

And, quite frankly, I’m tired of being a good sport about it.  I’m tired of the adrenaline and the cortisol and the epinephrine.  I’m tired of the sudden reactions I have, which I have to turn into a sudden “ha, ha, oh hey, you got me…”  I mean, I know you’re a nice guy, and you’re just being silly, but one of these days I’M GONNA CRACK AND YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE YOUR JEWELS.

I didn’t start taking ju jitsu classes just for fun.  They are difficult, especially for this unathletic, uncoordinated thing.  But I am determined to be able to take a man down if I have to.  I’m sick of this male-dominated society where I get trashed around everywhere and I have to smile and take it just because I’m too little to do anything about it.  Newsflash:  I’m not a toddler.  And I know how to break your arm in two easy steps. (although, at this point, you may need to be totally compliant for it to work…)

Okay, well, the roller coaster just did its first loop.  Stay tuned for part two…