Grief expanded

My place of employment is shutting its doors in three weeks.  It is a time for re-evaluation:  of time spent, relationships built, of life experienced.  My initial reaction to the news was intense, deep grief.  I had just committed my free time to Father, promising that I would not look for ministry opportunities, but to wait to hear His voice for my calling.  Little did I know that in less than 24 hours, my free time would be so radically expanded.

But He knew.  He knew, and He allowed me to commit to this crazy waiting period without a single Heavenly protest.  So I re-dedicate my commitment to waiting on the Lord.

I have spent too many years in a flurry of ministries and activities to please other people.  This time around, I want to please my Father.  What would He have me do?  Will it have something to do with my mental illness and helping others?  Does He want me to focus more on my family and commit to a more stay-at-home position?  (I hope not.  Homeschooling is really enough home for me.)  Are there other children out there to work with?

Wise advice given to me was to feel free to grieve as I would.  Unashamed, unabashed, fully felt grief.  That to properly move on to another endeavor required me to grieve my loss, accept it, and then re-attach when my grieving was over.  Basically, to get over my boyfriend before looking for another.

I’ve not been one to cry over emotional upheavals for a long time, but since I began therapy, I find myself being the waterworks more often than not.  As we say our good-byes, I find my tears are contagious as my co-workers and boss moved to tears in reaction to my heartfelt expressions of what they have meant in my life. 

We all have people who are important in our lives.  When was the last time you expressed the joy in the relationship with that person?  Life situations can change in a moment, and I am hyper-aware right now to make sure the ones I love know how I feel.  “If today was your last day…” is such a cliché, but it’s true. Am I living loved and loving the ones with whom I live?