Exposed

Well, the cat’s out of the bag at one of my friend’s house.  I just found out that her teen daughters asked about my cut marks.  Good to know that they know the signs, bad to know that they tagged me rather quickly as a “cutter.”  The darn things heal so slowly.  And it’s frustrating to know that I’ve already picked out where the next cut will be.  Although I’ve cut many times, it will be the fifth scar on my arm, so I see a large slash going the opposite direction than the others; a tally mark.  It seems so completing that it is a temptation in itself.  I guess that’s what you get when you combine OCD with self-injury.

I feel disappointed in myself.  It seems strange to be exposed to people that I am supposed to be an example to, but their mother said that knowing this about me made me seem more “human” to her girls.  I have spent so many years cultivating a persona of self-sufficiency and confidence that I appear to be aloof and “perfect” to so many people.  Knowing that I struggle just like “normal” people puts me back on the level with everyone else.  I want to be reachable.  I want others to feel comfortable confiding in me; this is just such a humbling way to make it happen.

But I guess that’s what this blog is all about anyway.  Showing myself, warts and all.  Hoping that it encourages you to be transparent with your loved ones; because self-disclosure is essential to nurture a true, loving relationship.  After hiding my feelings for so long, it has proved difficult to express them, and sometimes it’s easier to write them than to say them out loud.

I had the unenviable opportunity to express myself in grief this week as we lost a pet.  We figure that a coyote has killed our cat, considering we actually saw a coyote last month; and it attacked our 50-lb dog (who, thankfully, survived the attack).  So our cat, Sibby, has been gone for some time, and this week it hit home that he’s not likely to return.  My daughter and I have been through a lot with this cat, and it is the first pet either one of us has lost (if you discount fish and hamsters).  I have cried in front of my children several times this week; something new for us, and hopefully a healthy example for emotional expression.  Stoicism runs deep in my family, and I want my children to feel differently about showing their emotions than I did.  I want the masks to be down, and the only way that will occur is through example.

 

I look at the ultimate example, Jesus, and how he made himself reachable.  He was open with his expressions; crying at the death of Lazarus, affectionate with his disciples, angry at injustice, gentle with the hurting.  He was honest with his emotions, expressing them as he felt them.  If I want to be more like him, then I need to practice vulnerability with abandon.  Not worrying about how I might be perceived, just being who I was created to be.  Draw me closer to you, Father, and teach me who I am in you.  Show me the new creation that I am because of your Son, and let your light shine in me and through me to light the way for others.