letting go

I’ve been working through the realization that I am no longer employed.   Sure, the job ended five months ago, but I have been holding on to it mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Instead of dealing with the emotions related to the end not only of my job, but also of the entire program that I had devoted nearly seven years of my life to; I rationalized that this was “all for the best.”  For every sad or nostalgic memory, I would bombard myself with reasons why I shouldn’t be working at this time in my life.  I actually kept the boxes from my classroom in the trunk of my car, refusing to bring them into the house and thus acknowledge the end of my job.  Talk about a physical manifestation of emotional baggage!

But during my therapy session last week, I was asked if the holiday of Halloween brought back any difficult memories from work.  I said, “Sure, I do miss not having a party and dressing up and having fun with the kids, but…” and then I went on to talk about all the great reasons why it was a good thing to be staying at home.  It was pointed out to me that I wasn’t allowing myself to properly grieve and feel the emotions related to the loss I was experiencing.

I went home and wrote several journals filled with nothing but memories and unfulfilled wishes.  Then I unpacked the trunk of my car.

The boxes that I brought into my house were filled with school supplies, student artwork, and games.  They all had specific memories attached to them, memories of unique children with distinctive issues.  Children that I have prayed and cried over.  Children who embody so many hopes and dreams, who are filled with so much untapped potential.

I miss those children.  I miss their bad attitudes, snarky comments, and rebellious mannerisms.  I miss their hugs and kisses, their desire to hold my hand on the way to the bathroom, their curious questions about my life.  I have lived such a privileged life—who gets to go to work to play? 

So I am letting go…saying goodbye to Damion, Austin, and Dianne; Madison, Joey, and Clarence; Lacey, Niko, and Xavier.  Goodbye to all the children whose lives I was so blessed to have been a part of.  May my efforts and love make a change in their lives.  Even now, as I pray for them, even though I have no physical presence in their lives anymore, may the Lord bless them.

He put a child in the middle of the room.  Then, cradling the little one in his arms, he said, “Whoever embraces one of these children as I do embraces me, and far more than me-God who sent me.’

I miss the God-presence of the little children.  I miss embracing them.