Spousal Support

I’ve talked about the benefits of therapy for myself, but haven’t discussed the effects of therapy on my husband. 

I think in many cases, certainly it is true for me, that by the time therapy is sought, the issue that needs addressed has been going on in the family for a long time.  The family has adjusted its view of “normal” around the issue, and has tried to cope by accommodating or ignoring the problem.  When therapy is finally sought, the spouse is exhausted from dealing emotionally with the needs of their partner. 

My therapy focused on my needs at first.  Chris was asked to change some of the ways he talked and listened to me.  He had to pay attention not only to my behaviors, but also to adjust the way he reacted to me.  It made him feel neglected at times, like his needs didn’t matter.  At other times, he was downright mad at me.

Fortunately, I married an exceptionally patient man.  He didn’t berate me or complain about the extra effort required of him.  He has attended some of my therapy sessions and dealt with some of his patterns of behavior that contributed to my problems.  He has willingly worked to be more communicative with me, as requested by our therapist.  Chris says:

I didn’t have the knowledge and experience to know what Michelle needed in our relationship.  I had to learn how to talk to her and what to do to heal the “we.”

Going through this journey with me has been emotionally and physically challenging for Chris.  I can only imagine that it would be even more difficult for spouses that are more emotionally oriented than Chris.  He can look logically at a situation and follow a formula for the benefit of all involved, regardless of how he feels about it.  Most of us can’t do that.  I know that if the roles were reversed, I would have struggled to be as supportive as he has been.  I asked Chris about the challenges, and he responded by saying:

 I think it’s normal to be angry, and easy to become bitter.  I know I was the first time we struggled with your mental illness.  What’s different this time for me is that I learned to focus beyond myself and ask, “What does God want?” Obviously, he doesn’t want us to separate or be distant from each other….  Counseling may be needed to get beyond the anger and bitterness.  I wasn’t ready for counseling the first time because I was focused on the unfairness to me.  This time, I focused on God and us as a single unit.

 “What about me?” is a question that I believe most spouses struggle with during therapy, and Chris is no exception.  I recall him asking our therapist, “So am I supposed to stuff my feelings when they differ with Michelle’s forever?”   Of course, the answer to that question is “No,” but for a time, he felt like my needs were overwhelming.

My therapist has told me repeatedly that just because I am the identified patient, it doesn’t mean that the rest of the family doesn’t need some sort of help too.  Families are intertwined units, and they act and react according to the behaviors of each other.  Spouses who are willing to look at their own faults and emotional issues will be better equipped to contribute to healing the relationship.  Sacrificial giving, loving as Jesus loves, reaps long-lasting benefits in the emotional health of the needy partner, and eventually reveals itself in the health of the relationship.