Sleeping on the job

I’m taking another class to be able to renew my teacher’s certificate.  Unfortunately, I came down with a slight cold.  To keep from blowing my nose every three seconds, I took Sudafed.  Despite herculean efforts, I fell asleep in class this morning, and then again in the afternoon.  There are only seven students in the class.  Now that’s embarrassing.  I’m blaming it on the cold medication.

I may be falling asleep in class, but I feel like I am no longer asleep as I go through my days. Over the past week, I have gone through old journal entries and have been shocked to see the state of mind I was in just nine months ago. I was asleep to the world around me, asleep to the extent of my illness, asleep to the harmful effects I was having on my family. Waking up to my need, seeking counseling when I did, was one of the best decisions I have ever made. An excerpt from one of my early journal entries shows the depth my issues:

"Was going to go to bed shortly after Chris, around midnight. Got up and went into the half bath to put my pjs on. Instead sat on the floor (25 tiles, 5x5, nice square) for an hour. Can’t recall why. Chris knocked on the door once, but I couldn’t hear what he said because the fan was on. Tried to pray but just kept counting the tiles. Was surprised that a whole hour went by. Went to bed around one, but woke at four thinking that I forgot to turn off the pool filter. Laid in bed for an hour repeating song lyrics and past conversations in my head while blinking to the syllables. Got up to check the filter around five thirty when I could feel the blood pulsing through my head. Went out to the backyard to check. Felt nauseous, so I ate a piece of bread and took an acid blocker. Remembered that I had not eaten dinner. Went back to bed around six. .. . I do this kind of stuff every day and just accept it as a part of normality."

Being set free from the slavery to many OCD rituals is a blessing that is so sweet. Simple tasks no longer need repeating over and over. I am awake to the beauty of a task done once. I am awake to the boundless love of my Father, who was locked in the bathroom with me, and who now celebrates and laughs with me. I can see His guiding hand through it all, even though I couldn’t see Him in the midst of the struggle. I was asleep to His presence, but He never slept on the job. Feeling my pain, He could see the fruit that would be produced through my trials. He stayed up with me all those sleepless nights; He slept with me in the closet.

At a time when there seems to be such tragedy in the world, such discontent among people; I find myself enjoying the little things (like a refreshing nap) and feeling a deep gratitude for the One who comforts the hurting.

Many people say, “Who will show us better times?”
Let your face smile on us, Lord.
You have given me greater joy
than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine.
In peace I will lie down and sleep,
For you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe. –Psalm 4:6-8