Hold on, it’s going to be a roller coaster ride.
I want to share with you some thoughts and perspectives that
are very dear to me; things I have learned over the past year, which culminated
in an epiphany today. I have a VERY
DEFINITIVE POINT I want to convey, but in order to get there without losing all
of you, I feel I need to explain a few OTHER things first. Therefore; this one point will be brought to
you in multiple posts, so as to attempt to refrain from being overwhelming to
all of us. But mostly me.
So, let’s buckle up!
PART ONE:
Public space is NOT public space; it is male space.
I can’t recall where or when I first heard this idea, but it
totally clicked with me—basically, one of the reasons men struggle with
understanding how women feel in public is because MEN OWN PUBLIC AREAS, but
they BELIEVE public areas are owned by everyone.
 |
| Did you laugh? Even just a little bit? What does this say about your subconscious beliefs? |
Allow me to explain.
When a man goes to his job, a store, the movies, a park, etc., he (in
general) does not experience other people cat-calling him when he walks. He doesn’t experience jokes whose sexual
innuendoes are against his gender. He
doesn’t get groped in a crowded elevator.
People don’t “undress” him with their eyes or make comments about his
weight or attractiveness. People don’t
casually touch his waist when walking past him, or tell him to smile (you know,
because those frowny lines will put WRINKLES on your pretty little face) when
he may just be thinking deeply.
Women, on the other hand, experience these things
frequently, and when they address the issue, the men often make the excuse that
they were complimenting the woman, and she should feel flattered.
To further identify public space as male space, you can
notice that if a woman is being treated in a sexual way, and a man who is her
boyfriend/husband/etc. joins her, the unwanted man DOES NOT apologize to the
woman, he apologizes to the MAN, because the woman, after all, BELONGS TO HIM,
and he realized that he was infringing on the property of another man.
This notion of male space became more mainstream with the
backlash from the Isla Vista Murders in 2014, prompting the twitter handle #YesAllWomen. For example;
#yesallwomen because "I have a boyfriend" is more
likely to get a guy to back off than "no", because they respect other
men more than women -- ZAmmi (@ZAmmi) May 26, 2014
✔
The cops who asked me "Well, what were
you wearing?" when I reported an attack and attempted rape. #YesAllWomen
 |
| What? No, I have plenty of space, dude. Thanks for checking tho. |
Another popular site garnering attention is
the Tumblr blog “Men Taking up Too Much Space on the Subway” where you can
view photo after of photo of men spreading their bodies all over compact women
on subways, trains, airplanes, and buses. This article discussing the Tumblr page includes a particularly incisive
quote:
"I
think men just feel entitled and don't notice. They are oblivious,'' said Asya
Kamsky, a San Francisco software executive who flies about 200,000 miles a
year. Ms. Kamsky said she defends her space against encroaching elbows and
legs. "I don't have a problem kicking if I need to,'' she said.
My own personal experience testifies to the truth of male
space, AND to the fact that this is so deeply ingrained in our culture that
neither men nor women even notice. I had
only begun to develop sexually when this became a part of my regular routine.
I was in the 7th grade, and there was a group of
boys who thought it was funny to congregate in the halls between classes, so
that it became crowded and I had to squeeze through to get to my locker or my
next class. As I moved through their
“gauntlet”, I would invariably get my butt pinched or my chest groped. It wasn’t just me; many of the girls suffered
through this. There never seemed to be a
way to use my textbooks and folders to safely cover all the parts they could
grab. And I felt immense shame. I used every method in the book to keep the
tears at bay. I would not give them my
tears too.
But those boys, they were totally ignorant that what they
were doing was traumatic. Looking back,
I know their faces were not cruel. They
were “boys being boys” in a society where public space is MAN space, and they
were testing their fledgling man-wings.
Fortunately, that kind of behavior was only a daily
occurrence for one school year. But it
still affects me. I don’t like crowded
hallways, elevators, rooms. I won’t go
to concerts. I sit and stand against
walls or in corners where I can observe the rest of the room and no one can
come up behind me. It’s a protective
mechanism I subconsciously developed after years of men thinking it was “fun”
to startle me, grab me from behind, etc. whether or not they were being sexual
or not. They still do it. They think it’s funny to see me jump. It’s not funny. At all.
Because what men don’t realize is that “startle reflex” that is SO HIGH
in me and other women…well, it’s high because MEN have sexually harassed us
since we were too young to even understand that we were being traumatized.
 |
| Want to argue that we don't live in a "Rape Culture"? This is an ad for what?...looks like gang rape to me. Oh wait, it's for upscale clothing. Of course...makes total sense. I know I totally want to wear that now! Because nothing says "you need this outfit" like being the sex toy for four men. I mean, that's every woman's fantasy, right? RIGHT? I mean, those guys are totally HOT, so it's OKAY, right? I'm sure she probably wants it. It's cool. Just leave this totally safe magazine around for your children to learn about "normal" culture. I'm sure they won't get any wrong ideas. |
Even men who are attempting to push for the rights of
women—they still use the concept of male space when they speak about rape
culture. You hear men say things like,
“Imagine if that woman was YOUR wife, YOUR sister, YOUR daughter who was
harassed, assaulted, raped. How would
YOU feel?” Sure, the intentions are good
as the man is attempting to personalize the situation…but in making a man
personalize the situation to the violence occurring to someone that BELONGS to
him, it emotionally incites him to want vengeance against the person who
damaged his property instead of thinking compassionately and empathetically
about what it might feel like to BE the victim.
Why do we not ask the men to imagine what THEY would feel
like? Perhaps because their general
response is, “Hey, baby, PLEASE harass me, grope me, do whatever you want to
me!” Because men (and yes, I am
generalizing A LOT, so give me a touch of grace here) perceive attention from a
woman as a confidence builder, not a threat.
Men have such a difficult time imagining the FEAR they create in us,
when they perceive their actions to be complimentary.
 |
| Hmm... |
And, quite frankly, I’m tired of being a good sport about
it. I’m tired of the adrenaline and the
cortisol and the epinephrine. I’m tired
of the sudden reactions I have, which I have to turn into a sudden “ha, ha, oh hey, you got me…” I mean, I know you’re a nice guy, and you’re
just being silly, but one of these days I’M GONNA CRACK AND YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE
YOUR JEWELS.
I didn’t start taking ju jitsu classes just for fun. They are difficult, especially for this
unathletic, uncoordinated thing. But I
am determined to be able to take a man down if I have to. I’m sick of this male-dominated society where
I get trashed around everywhere and I have to smile and take it just because
I’m too little to do anything about it.
Newsflash: I’m not a toddler. And I know how to break your arm in two easy
steps. (although, at this point, you may need to be totally compliant for it to
work…)
Okay, well, the roller coaster just did its first loop. Stay tuned for part two…
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