One of my pet peeves

I’m going to rant for a moment about one of my favorite pet peeves.

And I’m even going to be a huge hypocrite, because I’m guilty of doing it myself, and I disgust myself when I do it.

It’s the question “How are you?”

I know it’s a North American social convention, and it means very little, and it is as much a part of “Hello” as anything else; but I wish that when words were used, they would be meaningful and useful.

Especially over the past few years, this question has grated in my ears.  Because no one wants to hear the answer.

I went to a church service on Sunday, and the sermon was about how their church was so counter-cultural and revolutionary, and so concerned about being “real”.  The preacher used an example from a member’s past, a member I happened to know, who used to go to a large church, and who got tired of being one of many.  He got so tired of being asked “How are you?” without the other members caring, that he answered, “terrible” and the people didn’t even hear him, they just continued to pump his hand in the usual handshake, and say, “That’s great!”

And it’s wonderful that this church is trying to break that mold, but guess what?  That same person, who hated that question, who hadn’t seen me in a year of so, had greeted me with a, “Hi Michelle, how are you?” as I entered the church.  And before I could even answer, his back was facing me as he strode off about his business.  I didn’t even get the chance to say I was terrible.  Not that I would have answered that way, but I’m just saying if you’re going to ask a question, at least have the common courtesy to at least fake listening to an answer.  Ii wonder if he knew he was going to be a sermon example.

And I’m sure if he’d known what a struggle this year has been for me, or even this past week, he would not have treated that question so flippantly, but isn’t that the point?  We never know.  People who look like they are all put together are often the ones who are falling apart, and it is dangerous to assume that they need no attention or care.

I do not blame this man, because this question is so ingrained into our culture, that I say it often and without thought.  I wish I did not, and when its barbs hit home, I am reminded how deadly hurtful they can be.

I want to say what I mean, and mean what I say.  I don’t have to ask someone how they are if I don’t have the time to commit to the answer.  I can easily say hello, and it’s great to see you, and move on without offending someone.  If I want to know more or become more involved, it’s simply a case of asking them for some time to talk.  But saying “How are you?” as I pass someone in the hallway is not the appropriate time to ask that question.

What about you?  What do you think about this?