PART THREE:
Tables Turned
Chris and I grew up in a small, homogenous town.
Chris first experienced homosexuals when he went off to
college, at Ohio State University. And
it was a culture shock. Columbus was on
the edge of the battle for gay rights; extremely progressive for the
‘80’s. Homosexuals attended OSU simply
to be a part of the gay rights movement, and some were bitter and angry about
the way they had been ostracized from society.
The fight was on campus in a big way, with flamboyance and
aggressiveness. Chris experienced, for
the first time in his life, sexual aggression.
Men would eye him, attempt to grope him, catcall him as he went from
class to class.
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| 1985 Gay Pride parade in Columbus, one of the first few in the nation. The movement began in this area as a backlash against those who were tormenting and abusing homosexuals. |
These initial experiences shaped his perception of what the
gay community looked like. They were hyper-sexual
and predatory, and created a huge sense of dread within him. In order to prevent being sexually harassed,
he began avoiding the people who had the appearance that these men on campus
displayed.
When he finally shared this with me, watching his body language
as he mimicked the men ogling him, my first reaction was not one I am proud
of. I was glad. I said, “HEY, now you
know what it’s like to be a woman!” And
I felt vindicated.
I was glad that he, as a white male, had to experience
sexual harassment. A part of my brain
was gleeful that this MAN had to deal with something that is a part of my
everyday FEMALE existence. I mean, I go through these things ALL THE TIME. And men belittle these experiences ALL THE
TIME. They act like they shouldn’t be
such a big deal, but they don’t know because they’ve never experienced the
icky, shameful feeling of being on the receiving end of unwanted sexual
advances.
Either way, nobody should be happy that another person was
taken advantage of, sexually, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. Especially, you know, when that person is
your spouse. But my husband is gracious, and for that I am grateful.
But then so many things became clear. Chris began to become hyper-vigilant around
people who appeared to be homosexuals because of these isolated events. Because he’d been traumatized, perhaps
without realizing it—men do react to these things differently than women, and
his visceral reaction was a desire to be violent when he’d been sexually
harassed.
What those men did on that campus was wrong, but what they
did is not representative of homosexuals as a whole. Some men are sexually aggressive, and it is
wrong and abusive and traumatic. (Some
women are also sexually aggressive, but statistically speaking, the percentage
is significantly less.) And suddenly, Chris and I had a common experience. We both knew EXACTLY what it felt like to have a sexually aggressive male come after you. We made a connection.
But if those aggressive men are also homosexuals, these
experiences may also turn heterosexual men into homophobes through the trauma
of interacting with them.
But heterosexual men, unlike women, are not used to living
life as a victim, so any victimization is going to cause them a greater trauma
than us. Most women I know live life in a hyper-vigilant state. We look out for ourselves and other women
when going places after dark, or when a man seems out of place at a female
gathering. Victimization is “normal” for
us. But men, in general, go from place
to place without fear. I have had men
tell me not to walk in the parks alone, not to go to certain public avenues
alone…as they do the same. When I
question them about the dichotomy, their response is that they can defend
themselves, but I could be overcome. How
senseless. Against a gun or knife? Against a drug slipped into your drink? Against multiple attackers?
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| Men casually touch women A LOT. Our shoulders, arms, waists...*newsflash* THIS CREEPS US OUT. Remember, 1/3 of us have already been sexually abused. We DON'T TRUST YOU. |
Men feel safe because, as I stated in part one, they “own”
the space around them.
But my husband suddenly understood the feeling of not
“owning” his space. His experiences at
OSU did at first create within him some stereotypes and homophobia (as
discussed in part 2), which were pretty much overcome with the relationships he
has with his brothers. But the
revelation of his past experiences opened my eyes to what I had previously believed
was bigotry and intolerance. To be able
to understand the effects of misogyny in the life of a woman…he needed to learn
the root cause of his homophobia.
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| Random photo of me with Mr. Wonderful. I love him so much. |
And he GOT IT! It was
an “aha” moment that shocked him. For
him to realize that women experience FREQUENTLY what he only experienced a few
times created a huge amount of compassion and empathy for all women. The amount of tension we experience in public
places. And that, to fix the problem,
the entire mindset of society needs to be changed. He realized that MEN were often the
problem. Sure, we can teach women to
use safety measures. But that won’t
change the underlying issue. Ever.
So what is the underlying issue? My three-part series inexplicably grew...
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